Chill Thoughts

I love her, I honestly do, but we’ve reached the point that one thing is obvious: Jessica Alba is box-office poison. With news that her newest movie The Love Guru made a measly $14 million in its opening weekend (compared to Get Smart’s $39 million), that’s several movies in a row that Ms. Alba has starred in with pathetic box-office receipts, following in the footsteps of Awake, Good Luck Chuck, and Into the Blue (co-starring Paul Walker, who has long been in this same category).

True, she has had big hits with Sin City and the Fantastic Four franchises, but those include ensemble casts. When she is the primary star, her movies flounder, basically because her good looks cover up the fact that she is an awful actress. I would never believe her in any of the roles that she has chosen to pursue. I have always had an enormous crush on her, and the poster with her as a stripper adorns my room’s walls; however, that does not force me to watch her in a movie.

Now couple with the fact that she has just given birth to some dude named Cash (really, Cash? fuck that), she’s slipping down the totem pole. But there are two ways to salvage this train wreck:

1) Get naked for a role. This is the fantasy of everyone - make it happen, babycakes.

2) Get a new agent. Don’t pick movies that star socially-retarded actors (i.e. Dane Cook/Devil). Pick a goddamn good movie so I will leave the theater saying I just enjoyed the experience.

So, Jessica, make it happen. For me and all the other fans. 

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